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Rising like a Phoenix from the Fire

For months (even years), I’ve been trying to cope with the events that have been haunting me for much longer than what’s necessary.  It all starts out with my parents’ refusal to let me have any sense of individuality and ends up with a strange mess of things I call my life.


So years ago, I was struggling with many things, most of all, the fact that I could be gay (and hadn’t fully accepted it partly since my family all turned against me) and the other, how eroded my faith had become.  I went to a private Baptist middle school for three years before transitioning on to a public high school.  Let me tell you, that was a culture shock!  But let me not, since it’s out of my train of thought for now.  But anyway, I was gay, I couldn’t accept it, and therefore, could never be proud of it because my parents tried to hide it in every manner possible.  Sad thing was, it’s my inevitable outcome, I’d have to live my life as a gay man, and with my mindset, a disgrace.  And to this day, the rest of my family and friends have barely a clue about it, call me a good actor or just not that gay (I don’t actually fit the stereotype at all so I’d think about it).


But add on to the repression I got at home being gay, there’s an economic disaster that brewed before my freshmen year of high school, that’s the reason why my parents could no longer afford to pay for a private education for me (it ultimately would be a good thing though – I finally adopted a real sense of ideals that weren’t misguided).  Unfortunately, this also meant that I couldn’t enjoy a normal life and my brother, at one time, even blamed our family business’ collapse on account that I’m gay!  Financial stipulations also resulted in a lack of educational resources for me.   I remember my freshmen year, I couldn’t do my homework for a Pre-AP Geometry class (yeah, I always foolishly challenged myself mentally since like forever) because I didn’t have the right calculator.  I tell my parents I needed to buy one, but my dad had other things in mind for the $120 that I needed to get that thing.  Fortunately, my mom put things into perspective and he let me get that calculator.  To this day, I still have that thing, a reminder of the days when I used to enjoy math and the fact that my parents ultimately care about my well-being (also, the last time I used it was around 4 months ago for my Stats final that I bombed -_-).


Still, the effects of the recession has done MUCH more than just make it hard for me to focus on my education, its consequences on my family meant that I couldn’t go to college.  You see, this financial collapse meant that my parents lost our family business, so we had no income and had accrued a load of debt on top of that.  They eventually had to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy, so our debt was forgiven to a degree, but now their credit was negatively affected.  What does that have to do with my college admissions?  It means that because I had no credit on my own (when a family’s broke and I’m not allowed to drive because I have no car or license because we couldn’t afford to get one there’s not much I could do about a job – did I forget to mention I have a weird problem that makes me unable to ride a bike) and my parents had bad credit, when I was looking for a loan, I had no co-signer and therefore, no money for college and so I had no chance to go to college.  


Now I’m 19 years old, no job, no car, pretty much no life, and if you look at it a certain way, I have no hope.  But if you look at it another way, I haven’t told you everything about me.  Despite all of my issues, I ended up having great talent in the arts, I excel in the social sciences, I unfortunately have a big ass heart of gold, and I have enough interest to place myself in the fields of politics and finance, as well as the compassion and drive for activism.  So yes, I guess you can say I’m blessed despite my circumstances, but have I risen from disaster?  Not even close.  On the brighter side of things: I have gotten my certificate to learn how to drive (I kind of have a fear of driving), my dad knows a lot about financial crap (though not necessarily common sense with it) so he’ll be helping me out when it comes to building my credit, and oh yeah, a family friend says that he can get me a full-tuition scholarship at a top-ranked university since he knows the Dean or something.  


Maybe my life is becoming a little brighter but I still have a few hindrances left (of course).  I’ve recently found out that I have many of the symptoms of dyspraxia, as well as ADHD and some other cognitive disorders, and so I’m going to get myself checked about that while I also get my acne medicine this next visit (I forgot to mention horrible acne was the main reason why I couldn’t be comfortable with myself).  But whatever happens with me, I can now be comfortable with the fact that I am an individual, despite how my parents try to limit me, I’m still my own person and thus, cannot be limited except with spending money (I don’t necessarily admire the “finer things” in life).  So will I rise?  Hell yeah!  😉

Filed under: Only Me

About the Author

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A formerly misguided young adult, trying to find his way and purpose in the world and striving on to make life bearable. I am a queer, invisibly disabled Filipino and American man with Brown skin, on my way to living my life unabashed and without shame.


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  2. Thanks so much for reading! If you use either the Firefox (I’ve been told) or Opera browsers (I’ve seen), if you see the weird icon that looks like something’s being projected on the right side of where you type in URLs, you can click on that icon, choose the first option, and when you go to the destination, you’ll find an rss page that you can subscribe to. But the link to my rss feed is here:

    If you want to follow me in particular, you can use your wordpress account and click on the button at the hovering toolbar you see at the top of the page itself that says “follow”.

    Thanks for your interest! 😉


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